Dear Diary 4- Loving Care

I used to go around with nobody concerns or cares about. It is because my family  divorced when I was in form 1 (high school). At that times, I was a teenager, with no one really cares about me, I was free. I can go anyway I want, I can return home late at nights- people just don't care. I also don't even care.

During those times, I don't understand why most my  friends need to return home before dinner time (8 pm) or why they have to call to their parents when they are away from home. Till now,  I don't even care about this. I don't really see how it must takes place in our life. I feel, it never important. 

So, yesterday, as usual self, I wanted to drop by to my mom's house directly after work. Sometimes, I will sms D'man when I reached home and most of the times, he will call me timely at 7.30 pm ( this is the time I usually reach home) to check me whether i was safely reached home. Yeah, he is sweet & gentleman.....

So before, I went back, I texted  D'man saying that I will return home quite late since I'm going to drop by at my mom's. When I reached there, I forgot my phone in the bag was in silent mode, and I was too occupied to noticed it. I always like this when I with family, it's my bad habit, I just don't' really see why this is annoying and troublesome for other people.

When I returned home, late at night,  there are lots of missed calls from him. Quickly I texted him, and he called me with a mad tension in his voice.

He saying about how he worried sick about me and thought something had happened to me. He supposed to hang out with his friends that night but he canceled it because he was too worry about me. And as my usual irresponsible person, I said I already sms him about me lepaking  at my mom's house , why would he bothered to worry? Why he needs to care? I used to be anywhere without need to inform anybody. I used to take care myself.

My answers hurt him...then he sadly explained..

"Even I did text him, that was before I get out from office. Anything can happened during the journey to my mom's house, and that's what worried him. He just want to make sure I was ok."

He sadly asked...

"Why I can't text/call him once I reached there? . It just take a one-2 secs to at write simple text to him and why I can't even bothered to do that simple thing. To think about him that always thinking about me... "

But before I can answered, he sadly said...

"..... is because...I never think about him when I was by myself."

I silence myself. Yes, I was totally forgot about him... that's true and hurtful. I forgot that now I have someone that love and care about me so much. But my forgetful does not mean he's not important to me. He is important!! It just because I used to be alone, by myself.

It was my fault... but he was the one that asked forgiveness..

" I'm sorry I love you too much and maybe this annoyed you.  Please tell me if my concerns, this cares are wrong.. and I will stop doing this worrying stuff.  Is this wrong?"

No.. your love is never wrong.. It just me who never understand what love is.. so please don't stop loving me..cause I love you so much too..

Now I learn to care this love too..

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 2 - Running Away

Currently status, I'm running away... Too many things inside my head, mostly things that are hurtful and personal that concern family matters. I can't focus, i can't concentrated. Been running away from home  - yeah,  being childish Am i?

D'Man jokingly said- for him,  i'm always a seventeen teen, so it's OK to run away. It makes me laugh cause how so different our ages is, and he's the one who seem to be the matured one. That laugh, thanks to him, some of my problems seems to go away, a bit by bit.

Yeah, i'm running.. He let me be.. but when i turned around, he always there a step behind me, looking over me, watching over me.. until i'm ready to stop, and he will be the one who's going to walk me home back, safely.

Honestly, i never believe in love. i don't believe in it.  Even D'man who  have been my boyfriend for a year, i never really have a 100% love for him. He noticed it. He always said that when i said to him 'I love you so much'- he said, it feels so empty. He said he can know my thoughts, my feelings, without me saying it, and it sometimes hurts him. I know it's true, cause that things  he said, is the truth.

I know my love for him is kinda of empty... I'm speechless when questions about love come out from him. Do i really love him? What I will do for him? Could i sacrifice my selfishness for him? My silence hurts him more. I'm sorry.

but.. that time.. 

I was far away from home, being alone, being sad and he found me. Seeing him, that fear, that concerns, that distress, that eye. For the first time in my life,  I think i saw real LOVE.

"Do i really love him? What I will do for him? Could i sacrifice my selfishness for him?"

This time, strangely, honestly, crazily ..  Yes, i do love you.... 

This running now stop. 

previous

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary - Being A Man

Being a man is hard don't you think so? You can't show weakness. You must be dependable. You must be strong enough to protect others. Your mind must be collectibles, your decision must be the right one. You can't show anger, you take the blame.  It's hard, i never thought that, how hard it is to be a man.  Even you feeling so helpless, you had to face it by yourself, mostly alone.

Hard isn't it?

The most part is to keep your love, protect and save it.

I think i found my man. I never thought i will..

next

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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