Dear Diary 20 - Smirk

I told him how he is so sweet of always think about me first than himself. How he just want to make things easier for me.. how he wants to be with me.. more than himself. And I recalled when we dining out,  he always cut my steak/chicken/meat  to small pieces or open up my shrimps shell before serve it to me,,, that small gesture, touch my heart... so much..

And he said..

" That's because you are a slow eater, so i do it for you.."

He smirk at me and smile ; teasing me..

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 19 - Sadness

"I can't just look when you are looking sad.. I can't bear to watch you sad.. so  I am doing anything to take that away.."

D'man when trying to comfort me.. though i never ask him  to..

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 18 - Miss You

Looking at my phone,  scrolling and reading his messages and old messages for many times, remember his words and smile... many times, many times....on this particular Monday day.. 

Ahhh... I miss him...

So I texted him said I miss him.. just to say that, only that... i don't want him to reply. 

The phone suddenly ringing. His voice heard in the line.

" Is this enough?" the sweet voice asked. 

" Enough?"

" Does my voice enough to comfort you?..." his voice so softly been heard. . 

My feeling of longing feel so much better and the heart beating faster.

" Yes, it is!" 

" Sorry, I was busy so this going to be a short call"

" Ah.. it's okey..." 

" I love you..." 

he said it softly,  like a whisper in my ears. 

The call ended, leaving me smiling like a fool. 

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 18-Cookin'

D'man & me when I cook something new for him.. 

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 17- I promise

"I know I can't give your a big house or expensive car or buy your many expensive stuff. I know my limit , but what i can promise you is i will make sure you have a home, never go hungry and be protected for life. I'm going to make sure you smile will never fade and you will be the happiest wife of me and  a blessed mother of our child. And of course, I  promise will never look at another woman and be yours only as you be mine only."

* me smiling ear to ear ... huaa so shy ...u sugarcoat tongue is evil .... *

" So what yours?'

" err... ..." =_=;

" haha, you can just take my words,  that's what you want to say too right? .."  D'man winked. 

" I love you.." I said.

" Me more.." 

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 16- Ice Cream

I got angry..
                 Secretly he slipped me Ice-cream
I got sad..
              He bought me Ice-cream

I got scolded..
               He apologized with Ice-cream

I got happy
               He celebrate with Ice-cream

I'm not a kid, but that ice-cream works every time!  .. ngee (^__^)V

~I love you D'man~

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 15- When you happy, I'm happy.

" While you more concern what dress match you and which pictures you look beautiful.. I can't help but only pointed to the candid pictures of you showing all your teeth,small eyes with big laugh. It makes me feel so happy coz it proof that you ARE HaPPY with me.. And i want you to be like that forever... " 

                                        -D'man - when been asked why he has a collection of my candid pics ~

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 14- Thank You

" Thank you.."

" For what?"

" You have changed a lot.."

I smiled...

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 13- Don't Hide

" Don't hide anything from me. " 

This is the MOST IMPORTANT rules in relationship..

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 12- Happy Birthday Wish

11.59

waiting...

12.00

grab the phone and called D'man

" Hello"

" Happy birthday! Happy birthday to you! (singing)" 

" Thank you!"

" So am I the first person to wish you happy birthday? Am I.. am I? hehehe..." 

" You the 10th!"

" whaaat!! "

"hahaha... i love you.."  

~*and i fall in love again with your teasing and laugh...*~

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 11- Tell me..

" Tell me, what should I do to keep you mine forever? " 

" I don't know.. what you should do?"

' A ring.. "

D'man answered innocently. I laughed...

innocent & adorable..

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 10- Quarrel

In a relationship, a quarrel after-end will only bring you two things. A harmonic beautiful understanding love or the breaking of love ending.  The hardest is the waiting for the outcome and the long awkward distance in determined the after end result ...

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 9 - Suddenly

Browsing thru his collection of photos in his phone... 

Suddenly D'man noticed

" You don't like kids yer?" 

Wups!! 

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 8- Love is being '.......... ' together

 I -->

When a girlfriend bought her boyfriend, shirts as a gift. Their relationship will end (break up) soon. 

D'man -->

When a couple (not married) always take a lot of couple pictures together, the relationship never end with marriage.

That is why he never gets any clothes gift from me, and I never have a couple picture with him..

xx WeiCu couple xxx

Weicu : Weird+cute

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 7 - Trap Question

" I'm going back to kampung this weekend." one day, D'man said.

" Okey.."

" Do you want to come back together and meet my parents?"

(Me sweating all over.. speechless.. mati kutu.. OMG! )

" It's okey if you don't want to..."

( I don't know what to say! again OMG! What to do! What to do...!)

" So do you want to?"

( Aahhh... !!! I just can't decide! Why, why I can't answer this, ishh come on!!  ..) 

" Ok, I understand, you're not ready..."
 D'man smile with no hard feelings. He smiles. I love to see his smile.

" I love you..." answered me.

" I love you too.."

Ok, these conversation repeats time after time later. When can I said I want to? When can I know I'm ready? When I can be brave ?!  I want to say yes i want to, one day!soon..But one thing right now I'm want to, I'm ready and I brave is to say..

" I love you, D'man"  

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 6- Love List

When I talk, it came out nonsense, or I don't really remember what I had said. It just words.. with no meaning. The words to express what I felt at that moment. Such as when I feel bored, I said I want to go somewhere far... somewhere happening, somewhere fun. So, there came out lots of places that came across my mind. Simple-simple things Like.. the park...I want to row boat at tasik one day.. or I want to spend time in funfair, and make D'man win me a tin of coke.

Or when I hungry, I want to eat laksa johor or sometimes laksam.  Or when I see something cute, I say it loud THAT's CUTE!!!

It just a simple-simple things, that came across my mind, whenever I see something, or bored..

I'm so clueless, that D'man noticed it and put it under his list to do. He's so cute...

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 5- Love Bet

Once in a while, D'man says with giggles and smile on his face

" Lets make a bet."

" What bet?"

"Let's bet that you cannot love me more than I love you.." 

One of these days, I'm going to win this bet. 

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 4- Loving Care

I used to go around with nobody concerns or cares about. It is because my family  divorced when I was in form 1 (high school). At that times, I was a teenager, with no one really cares about me, I was free. I can go anyway I want, I can return home late at nights- people just don't care. I also don't even care.

During those times, I don't understand why most my  friends need to return home before dinner time (8 pm) or why they have to call to their parents when they are away from home. Till now,  I don't even care about this. I don't really see how it must takes place in our life. I feel, it never important. 

So, yesterday, as usual self, I wanted to drop by to my mom's house directly after work. Sometimes, I will sms D'man when I reached home and most of the times, he will call me timely at 7.30 pm ( this is the time I usually reach home) to check me whether i was safely reached home. Yeah, he is sweet & gentleman.....

So before, I went back, I texted  D'man saying that I will return home quite late since I'm going to drop by at my mom's. When I reached there, I forgot my phone in the bag was in silent mode, and I was too occupied to noticed it. I always like this when I with family, it's my bad habit, I just don't' really see why this is annoying and troublesome for other people.

When I returned home, late at night,  there are lots of missed calls from him. Quickly I texted him, and he called me with a mad tension in his voice.

He saying about how he worried sick about me and thought something had happened to me. He supposed to hang out with his friends that night but he canceled it because he was too worry about me. And as my usual irresponsible person, I said I already sms him about me lepaking  at my mom's house , why would he bothered to worry? Why he needs to care? I used to be anywhere without need to inform anybody. I used to take care myself.

My answers hurt him...then he sadly explained..

"Even I did text him, that was before I get out from office. Anything can happened during the journey to my mom's house, and that's what worried him. He just want to make sure I was ok."

He sadly asked...

"Why I can't text/call him once I reached there? . It just take a one-2 secs to at write simple text to him and why I can't even bothered to do that simple thing. To think about him that always thinking about me... "

But before I can answered, he sadly said...

"..... is because...I never think about him when I was by myself."

I silence myself. Yes, I was totally forgot about him... that's true and hurtful. I forgot that now I have someone that love and care about me so much. But my forgetful does not mean he's not important to me. He is important!! It just because I used to be alone, by myself.

It was my fault... but he was the one that asked forgiveness..

" I'm sorry I love you too much and maybe this annoyed you.  Please tell me if my concerns, this cares are wrong.. and I will stop doing this worrying stuff.  Is this wrong?"

No.. your love is never wrong.. It just me who never understand what love is.. so please don't stop loving me..cause I love you so much too..

Now I learn to care this love too..

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 3- Cherished the moment

I read a blog. The owner shows her love to her boyfriend by giving gifts and so does his boyfriend. Then, the owner shows her new phone wallpaper, that is her boyfriend pictures. They are just some high school couple that just finished their S.P.M last year. It's a gedik situation, some may say, and I was the one who never like this childish things. it makes me puke..

But, what interest me is not the gift, or the activities, but her way of describing the moment, the time, spent together with her love. She describe it so joyfully. It so honest, coming from heart. and the gifts... even it just 20 cents item, it came from honest heart, a pure love heart. A pure heart that know love and the joy of it. I, never show that.. or cherish that..

" You never do something for me, that come from heart, it always.. like you had to do it.. you must do it.. or you can gain benefit from it..  there always whining at the end of it.. "

D'Man always said that, and I keep myself quiet, or slowly denied it. So strange our relationship is right? He knows me too much no matter how much i try to pretend. But never once, he shows his anger towards me. But I can always see his disappointments. I was bad girlfriend.. such a bad one..

Thinking back at that time, yes, i always whining. When he asked me to meet him at another place  that i never went (which i had to drive myself, or pick him up,)  i always whining how tired i'm and giving the reasons of traffics / probability of lost my way...  At the end,  he always pick me up. Even how tired he is.

When I busy during office time, and he calls me, i sometimes purposely do not answer it, or if i answered it, i get mad and scolded him.. But at  night, during bed time, when I was calm, and chill,  he will call me back.- even after what i did to him in the afternoon. He never miss even a day to call and wish me good night. While me? I'm so stingy when i need to top up to call him, so i always keeps my phone with no credits for weeks. I was a bad girlfriend..

Other times, when he wants to meet me so much, so miss me so much, i rejected him.. But when i did, he will always come to see me without any fuss and yet, i still don't believe he loves me and always try to pick an argument with him. I call him a cheater, without reasonable reason and i never trust him. For me,he, is just like many guy out there who always play with girl's heart and feeling, once we trust them..

At that time, i never know love is the reason for his actions, his nice side, his gentleman side, his belief, his trust, and his patience with me.. Yes, we always said to each other how we love each other, but  I just never actually believe.

At that time, for me, our relationship serves as way  to have a family together.. I always think that it is not love that tied us together, but a commitment, dependable feeling for each other and the scare of had to live alone. But, honestly, it was only me who thought that. It was for my own selfishness.

He never once think like that.. He loves me. That how love act is.. and he had shown me his love, all this time..

So , from now on, I want to cherish every moment of me with him and show him my own love.. and it will start by me calling him first, each day..

previous

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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Dear Diary 2 - Running Away

Currently status, I'm running away... Too many things inside my head, mostly things that are hurtful and personal that concern family matters. I can't focus, i can't concentrated. Been running away from home  - yeah,  being childish Am i?

D'Man jokingly said- for him,  i'm always a seventeen teen, so it's OK to run away. It makes me laugh cause how so different our ages is, and he's the one who seem to be the matured one. That laugh, thanks to him, some of my problems seems to go away, a bit by bit.

Yeah, i'm running.. He let me be.. but when i turned around, he always there a step behind me, looking over me, watching over me.. until i'm ready to stop, and he will be the one who's going to walk me home back, safely.

Honestly, i never believe in love. i don't believe in it.  Even D'man who  have been my boyfriend for a year, i never really have a 100% love for him. He noticed it. He always said that when i said to him 'I love you so much'- he said, it feels so empty. He said he can know my thoughts, my feelings, without me saying it, and it sometimes hurts him. I know it's true, cause that things  he said, is the truth.

I know my love for him is kinda of empty... I'm speechless when questions about love come out from him. Do i really love him? What I will do for him? Could i sacrifice my selfishness for him? My silence hurts him more. I'm sorry.

but.. that time.. 

I was far away from home, being alone, being sad and he found me. Seeing him, that fear, that concerns, that distress, that eye. For the first time in my life,  I think i saw real LOVE.

"Do i really love him? What I will do for him? Could i sacrifice my selfishness for him?"

This time, strangely, honestly, crazily ..  Yes, i do love you.... 

This running now stop. 

previous

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' " If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it " ~Toni Morrison'

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